50 shades of innocence…

•January 15, 2013 • Leave a Comment

50 shades of innocence...

thought i’d have a bash at a meme. well my idea but a friend did the entire graphic. it’s just a joke. 50 shades fan’s have a knack of getting emo with me. 🙂

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twenty thirteen

•January 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

i should be really excited. this is my 100th post! but i’m not. i was meant to blog something really, really cool to commemorate it: my last trip to a strip joint. but then i realised i forgot most of it.

it wasn’t pleasant; not the quality of stripper ass, not even my pressing erection in tight denim. the lovely russian that i chose stripped down with all her sexy stripper moves, slowly building up to her grand finale where she flipped her thong off and shoved her vagina right in my face, all in one slick move. which would’ve been all fireworks and sour worms had her vagina not looked like it had been bashed by every bloke on every corner in hillbrow. i wasn’t sure if her vagina was used as a sponge to clean up radioactive material or whether her labia had evolved into a flotation device in the event of rising sea levels. her labia was as droopy as an elephants ears. for the first time in my life i felt like a doctor looking at a patient’s ill; the calculating frown on my face, the ‘i know what to do’ nod of my head while i thought of where i could get an axe from, to chop of her protruding bits. and then it was all over. she said something russian in my ear, squeezed my erection, kissed my cheek, took my money and fucked off. i was left all alone, scarred and bonered. trust me, even death is a state more peaceful and tranquil than scarred and bonered. i just realised i should’ve blogged something far more happy and positive for my 100th post.

it’s 2013 already! i’ve said this before, but fuck! time is flying. it use to scare the shit out of me but for some reason not anymore. i’m not sure whether i’ve done something amazing but i’ve lost the fear of growing old and realising i haven’t lived/experienced life. but then again, maybe it’s because i know my labia will never ever hang out and suffocate my knees. now i know why girls like having so many hair clips. eeuw.

ok enough with droopy labia’s. i’m sorry. it’s really not my fault, i’m scarred. i’m pretty amped for the year ahead. as south africans we have to continue to dodge the shit that’s flying around the rest of the world’s economy.we have a horrid soccer team to scream for, albeit for a short period (just the first round). we have our (last few) rhino’s to protect and another year of jacob to handle. the most exciting local thing that has happened so far this year is white people have started blowing up atm’s! and robbing! white people, robbing! i still can’t believe it. i’m actually quite proud. firstly, crime will not be seen as a race issue and secondly it proves we are closer to our lovely rainbow nation dream. as the founder of ashleymadison.com noel biderman said “of the 23 countries… data proves that south africa infidelity ranges across the full spectrum of ethnicity and spiritual conviction”.

i know many of you have made new year resolutions. most would be forgotten in just a month. a guy i once knew passed away yesterday. the one thing i always remember him doing was smiling. life is never guaranteed and it’s always far too short. we should always remember that, more so when making resolutions. in this way, we’ll never forget the things most dear to us, to do the things we  most appreciate. RIP my friend.

i got 99 posts and a bitch read all!

•November 22, 2012 • Leave a Comment

this is my 99th post. i am bubbling with excitement. ok not really, i really need to pee right now because i just drank a lot of tea. fucking bladder. did you know that tea contains caffeine? seriously, it shocked me too. it’s the caffeine that makes you pee. you learn something new everyday huh.

earlier this month bc’s were going around about us being the only generation that witnessed 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, 12/12/12. bullshit! jesus witnessed it and so did everyone else who lived through the first 10 years anno domini (ad) or the first ten years of the 11th century. people who broadcast shit should be shot, castrated and then have their eyeballs gauged out. and then burnt on a stick.

lance witten is back on e news after being suspended for his twitter comments. he tweeted“linkin park is so badass, people are dying to see ’em.” how can he be suspended for that? it’s so lame. his twitter account is his personal thing. it’s his personal views. that just seems so nazi to me. mcintosh polela (hawks spokesman) was also suspended after he sent a tweet saying that he hoped jub jub carried vaseline to prison. that’s pathetic especially when you take into account the governments ‘papa  wag vir jou’ campaign . people should stop being pedantic about jokes. they are the silver lining in a sometimes dull cloud.

it was really unfortunate that a girl had to die at a concert. the advertising board apparently fell on a crowd. i’m sorry, but i couldn’t help but wonder if she was the tallest person in that crowd. #teamhobbitwinsagain.

i wish i could say more but i really have to pee. i’m pretty excited though, for my 100th post. it’s certainly a milestone i never thought i’d reach. i sure won’t be walking under any advertising boards until i post it. just joking! don’t be getting etv on my ass!

ps: is it me, or do these orchids look like vaginas? nonetheless, ain’t she a looker!

hey bro, where’s your mo?

•November 2, 2012 • Leave a Comment

i can’t believe i’m saying this, but it’s november! where has 2012 gone? it seems to happen every year. maybe a year isn’t as we expect it to be. i don’t know. it scares me though, when life moves so fast. i fear that i’ll be old and grey one day without having lived life to the fullest. i still haven’t had a threesome yet. fuck me. it’s exam season for the most of us. fuck you if you’re exempt or finished already. i hate you and your early holiday vibe.

nonetheless, it’s going to be a pretty mad holiday. why have all the ‘omg dude, the worlds ending in 2012’ assholes shut up? i was eagerly awaiting 12/12/12 , to shove a whole can of ‘fuck you, i’m still alive’ up their ass. last year everyone was talking about it. i even went to a ‘end of the world party’. maybe everyone just started using logic. whatever.

there are some really, really epic movies coming out this holiday season. i cannot wait for the hobbit! le miserables is also coming soon and it has an epic cast, russel crowe and anne hathaway. i hope she wears her tights from batman. and bends over on a motorbike. i read the book/play the other day. trust me, fuck titanic, this is a really, really amazing story! please watch the trailer if you don’t believe me!! it was meant to be released in december but they pushed it forward to january (why???). the great gatsby is also going to be released around then. which also has a cracker of a cast including dicaprio and bollywood legend amitabh bachchan. aaaannnd there’s a new 007 out soon.

i found such a funny website. you know friends sometimes ask if someone loves them by showing you their messages? you got to check this out: www.hetexted.com . it’s absolutely ridiculous! i spent a whole afternoon reading that shit. there are some very, very strange people in this world!

it’s movember! i wanted to grow a long mo so when i go down on a girl, she may get a fright for a second and think she forgot to shave. i’m only kidding, i’m not that immature. although, for a second, that would be really funny. did you know tomatoes are good for your prostrate? my mother told me that. anyway, i got to go now. i need to eat a tomato.

ps: if you have free time, please read elif shafak’s book, the forty rules of love. i shall blog it soon enough. i promise.

the 10th of the 10th

•October 10, 2012 • Leave a Comment

it’s the 10th of the 10th today. yesterday was exactly 100 years since the titanic sank. it was also, naturally, 100 years since jack died.  the movie was great even though it ended really sadly; jack dying in the freezing cold ocean, while rose lay on a rather large door. mythbusters looked into that myth since many people have raised the question of “err why not two people on one door?”. they found that jack could also have survived if they both put their life jackets beneath the door, so as to give it buoyancy and lift it above the cold water. i guess that’s a pity. if only mythbusters were 101 years old, maybe jack and rose would’ve known that. personally, kate winslet’s boobs was the highlight for me. i still remember the day. i was just 12.

i discovered the lamest thing the world has ever created. it’s actually sadder than jack dying. mankind has invented incredible things in recent years; the machine gun, the new bmw m6 coupe, the ipod, birth control, ear buds and the space-shuttle. i don’t know where the fuck things went wrong. college students in america, have created what they call the ‘like-a-hug’ jacket. basically, a person sends you a hug over facebook and the special jacket contracts to simulate a hug or as they put it “allows us to feel the warmth, encouragement, support, or love that we feel when we receive hugs”. i don’t know how else to put this, but, if you are in a state where you feel the need to be hugged by a jacket, you actually aren’t in need a jacket. you are in need of a noose, a gun, pills or a tall building to jump off. how sad is this world becoming! i know inventors try to provide means to satisfy mankind’s desires, but is this really the way to try spread love around the world? just a thought, imagine how much cooler if the team captain was a pervert? i wonder how they could spice up cyber sex. hmmm.

oscar pistorius was on the jay leno show last night. it’s amazing where legs  blades can take you. i lost respect for him. right after he cried sour when he lost to his fellow legless guy, who he claimed ‘used longer prosthetics’. i think jay leno has bad taste. trevor noah isn’t the funniest comedian in our country either. weird.

remember the kevin pieterson saga a few months back? the ecb (english cricket board) now claims the proteas incited kp into making those comments. that is such bullshit! the english need to stop using our country as a scapegoat! dewani had his wife killed here, thinking our police wouldn’t figure shit out! the ecb has had to take kevin pieterson back, because they are simply utter shit without him. they are too arrogant to admit that and they are such cowards for pointing fingers at our cricket players. they forget that we didn’t need any help in beating them that series because we were just way better. the proteas demanded an apology yesterday. personally, i hope they sue the ecb. and bowl bouncers at their necks the next time we play them. it’s really, really sad and pathetic of the english.

speaking of rocking the english, there’s a documentary playing on supersport at the moment called fire in babylon. trust me, i don’t like cricket that much, but that documentary is really, really inspiring and funny! i somehow stumbled across this video earlier, it’s not that funny but if you have some time, give it a watch. it’s pretty crazy. it’s a man cleaning a cobra pit!

sweaty toes, dead whales, gorgeous mila and fucking insomnia. oh yeah!

•October 9, 2012 • 1 Comment

fuck. i tried resetting my sleeping patterns which have become madly haywire. i’ve been sleeping past 3am everyday for the past few weeks. so last night i slept at 10pm. thinking i’d be bright-eyed and feeling amazing waking up at 7am. i woke up two hours ago. i should stay up though, so that i’ll be properly tired for an early night tonight. an early, full night of sleep.

 i’ve discovered the coolest thing ever. i get so excited waking up everyday, just to do my coolest thing ever. firstly, wear shoes with no socks. walk around as much as possible. get sweaty toes. then go for a drive, take your shoes off and direct the aircon at your feet. the sensation is erotically pleasurable! you think i’m weird? try it and you shall see. wearing shoes without socks is so cool. i’m so use to it now. i wonder why people invented socks anyway. socks are like underwear for feet. they are as strange as that last sentence sounds. honest.

i have just found a south african porn site! don’t ask me how. or why. it’s pretty arb and weird. it’s just pictures of our nations tits. they pay you r5oo if their website link appears in your picture. that’s so unfair. i wish i had tits. to be honest i think most of the pictures uploaded are fake. it would be pretty surprising if you recognise someone who’s posted. especially if its your past teacher or seemingly innocent neighbour. or your grandmother. of course. check it out www.ratemytits.co.za

on to better things! mila kunis has been named sexiest woman alive by esquire. apart from her psychotic black swann role, i totally love her! she is absolutely gorgeous. she has lovely brown hair and the nicest eyes. did you know she has two different coloured eyes? i may have developed a thing for brown-haired women. it could be my love for chocolate overlapping other preferences.

that is the most perfect ass in the world. guess what i’m asking santa claus for!

a beach was closed off this weekend in cape town because a dead whale was spotted off the shore. the beach was closed off to bathers. it later washed ashore dead. i don’t understand the western cape’s shark attack policy. if there is a massive dead fucking thing in the sea, there won’t be any hungry sharks in the area! why is it unsafe to swim? a news24 user, rob tarr uploaded an image. relax adele fans, it wasn’t her.

yay. the birds are chirping. it’s really lonely staying up at night. my bbm light hasn’t flashed in the last 4 hours. i have read and googled many weird things. i shall blog them soon enough i hope. i was actually hoping i’d be in a deep mood because i read an epic book the other day. it’s called the forty rules of love by elif shafak. the second coolest thing about it, is her name has the fuck word in it. the coolest thing about the book, i shall blog about soon enough. you really should read it though. trust me on that.

“so many people put so much emphasis on what they do that they lose sight of who they are. they fight for something that is so meaningless and frivolous. my whole career could go poof tomorrow and you might never hear of me again.”

“i think everyone has a little black swan in them, it’s just a matter of when you let it out.”  

mila kunis

this is awkward

•October 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

i’m really not sure how to say this. but i think i’ve forgotten how to blog. i’ve sat here for days staring at this dumb screen writing a line and then switching tabs for hours, until my eyelids droop and i call it a night. it’s actually kind of scary. because i really do love blogging talking shit on here. this past month has been so weird not posting. it’s as if euphoric rage is my crazy, wild alter ego. relax, i’m not going all christian grey on you. you can stop assuming the position.

the weird thing is that there hasn’t been nothing to talk about. a lot has happened. the paralympics were so fun to watch. it was such a rich mixture of action. first there was the intrigue of figuring out each athletes disability (by the way, does albinism count as a disability?), secondly, watching the ways the athletes had to improvise. how mad is the picture below!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/the-33-most-inspiring-paralympic-photos

i think they should try infuse robotics with the paralympics. if the guy has no legs, why give him blades when you can give him a jetpack! or why let a legless man jump into a pool when you can attach a dolphin-like tale onto him. my highlight was definitely watching an almost limbless guy beat a midget at swimming. it was so inspiring! if the limbless guy didn’t have to be grabbed at the end of his race (swimming for him was all about momentum because he couldn’t tread water) i’m sure he would’ve jumped out the water screaming, “fuck you frodo baggins”. ok not really. sorry. but to be honest, the athletes of both the olympics and the paralympics were just great and really amazing! they embodied what sport truly should be about a lot more than fucking christiano ronaldo and his soccer boys.

our country is still suffering from strikes. apparently. god knows who is actually striking right now. but fuck the marikana bunch. they came out armed and they got shot. good on the cops! goldfields are still trying to plead with their strikers to disarm. what fucking world are they living in? “please worker who is asking for more cash from me, would you please not shoot at random journalists and police”. it’s simple. shoot the violent protestors! when the taxi drivers got violent the media screamed for their blood. just because the guy’s pulling gold out the ground doesn’t give him a different set of rules. stupid media. this is meant to be africa! we aren’t meant to fuck around with dumb safety regulations and lame threats. mamma africa doesn’t fuck around! she just doesn’t fuck around!  (say it with township accent)

it’s weird. the protea’s have lost another big icc event, the world has gone crazy over gangham style (which is pretty cool), south africa is on strike, facebook has reached 1 billion users, the anc is fighting over its leadership and adele is still fat. it’s weird that no matter how long you close your eyes for, this world never really seems to change much. apart from my ability to blog of course. and the fucking petrol price.

nevertheless, i watched batman a few weeks ago. it was incredible!! i fell in love with this girl. again. she also acts in la vie en rose (which i didn’t watch), inception (weird fucking show) and a good year (a really, really good movie which i bet you haven’t watched). you really should watch a good year. marion’s character was just the most amazing girl ever and it’s a really good, feel-good, light-hearted movie. i just love her. she’s like mila kunis without her fucking psycho black swann ways. she’s just so gorgeous. brown hair and tanned skin just makes the world a better place.

ps: i discovered and read thee most amazing book!! i shall blog it soon. this i promise you.